Sometimes, God Sucks
by Randomonium
Summary: -COLLAB WITH .MEGAMI.ZE.- Temari and Shikamaru have a sneaking suspicion that whatever deity may exist is having fun messing with their day. ShikaTema; rated for language


**Sometimes, God Sucks**

_Shikamaru-_

_I'm coming to Konoha. I'll be there in 4 days. See you then._

_-T_

_~*~*~*~_

Shikamaru was flying through the tree as he approached Konoha. Temari was due to arrive today; he couldn't wait to see her.

They were in a secret long distance relationship and hadn't seen each other in the last three months. He would have liked to have sought her out as soon as he reached the village, but first he had to report Tsunade about his recent mission that he was returning from.

***

"-and that concludes my mission report," finished Shikamaru.

"Very good. Thank you, Shikamaru. I'd like to have the written report within the week, but for now you can take a well deserved break," grunted Tsunade. Shikamaru had been working uncharacteristically hard for the last month or two, to keep his mind off from thinking about and missing Temari.

"Thank you," Shikamaru said. He left the office in a hurry. He suddenly tripped over his own feet when he saw Temari lounging against the wall outside the office. He wasn't even sure if she was real or an illusion, he only knew how often he had been fantasizing about her appearing suddenly.

"Hey, crybaby," she greeted with a grin.

"You are real!" He exclaimed. She looked at him warily.

"…are you high?" She questioned, slightly concerned.

He grinned. It was definitely her.

He moved forward and cornered her between his body and the wall. He took a moment to inhale her unique scent. He leaned in to kiss her, expecting to feel her warm, soft lips under his. But instead, he felt her fingers press against his forehead and push him away.

"Not gonna happen. Not here." She pointed to the Hokage's office door. He tried to hold back a pout. His lips were a centimeter from hers… she did that to tease him.

He pulled back with a sigh. "Fine. Do you have a meeting with Tsunade?" he asked.

She dipped her head in the affirmative. "In about twenty minutes."

A grin curled his lips. "Then how about we take a quick detour outside so I can give you a real welcome to Konoha…" he murmured, drawing her towards the door to the outside world.

A smile flirted with her lips. "I have to say that sounds rather tempting…" she replied.

"Shikamaru! Thank god I found you!" an out of breath voice interrupted them. Shikamaru closed his eyes briefly and turned to face his father, dropping Temari's hand.

"Dad. What?" he demanded.

"Don't be so short with your father. Look, you know it's your mother's and my anniversary today, right?" Shikaku asked.

Shikamaru looked at his father in exasperation. "You forgot, didn't you?"

"Well, yes. Anyway, I need you to go buy her a gift from me pronto. Here's some cash." Shikaku handed his son some money.

Shikamaru groaned. "Dad, I'm kinda busy."

"Do you want to have a father tomorrow or not?" Shikaku pointed out.

"Go ahead, Shikamaru. I should get to my meeting anyways… seeya later, ok? I'll meet you at the barbeque for lunch." Temari leaned closer so that only Shikamaru could hear her. "Get your mom a locket just like the one you got me…" Temari winked at him and then entered Tsunade's office.

"Thanks, _dad_. Thank you _so_much," Shikamaru breathed facetiously.

His father looked at him, completely oblivious. "What?"

Shikamaru took a deep breath. He had the whole day, it was only ten thirty. It was only a bump in the road. "Nothing... nothing. I'll do it, dad."

"Thanks a lot, son. Drop it off later. Now I _really _have to go, your mother thinks I'm feeding the deer." Shikaku ran off hastily.

Shikamaru took a deep breath before muttering: "Troublesome..."

***

After he had dropped off his father's present he made his way to the barbeque restaurant eagerly. He decided to wait outside for Temari.

Bad move, as it turns out.

"Shikamaru!" cried Ino, approaching the restaurant with Chouji. "Fancy bumping into you here. We were just about to have some lunch, care to join us?" Ino chirped.

"Uh…" He avoided her gaze.

"What?" She glared at him. "Do you have something better you would rather do?"

"Uh…I… would… uh… love too, but… uh…. Tsunade wants too… uh… see me. Gottagobye." He hurried off before they could respond.

Chouji and Ino looked at each other and shrugged before entering the restaurant. Unbeknownst to them, Shikamaru had used the shadows to cloak himself as he hid in the alley across the way to lie in wait for Temari, who was due to arrive any minute now.

He waited impatiently, noting the Konoha civilians walk past him. After around five minutes of waiting (which seemed like an eternity to Shikamaru) he saw Temari approach the restaurant. She looked around, hoping to see him. She then pouted angrily when she realized he wasn't there.

Shikamaru wanted to growl; he loved that look, the way she bit her lip and placed her hands on her rounded hips.

He placed his hands in a seal and watched his shadow creep and crawl until it poured into Temari's shadow and she suddenly froze up. "Shadow Mimic, success."

Temari felt her heart stop beating for a moment, she knew this feeling. She allowed herself to be lead away from the restaurant and towards the alleyway.

As soon as she was cloaked in his shadows Shikamaru broke his seal and once again trapped her body between his and the wall.

"Oh, here you are," she grinned, mollified to see him.

"It was hiding or sitting through lunch with Ino and Chouji," he told her.

"Well, I sure am glad you went with the former," she told him.

"Mmm. I would much rather be doing this than watching Chouji eat," he murmured, leaning in once again for that awaited kiss.

"Oi, Shikamaru!" yelled Naruto, dropping out of the sky. "Tsunade-baachan says she wants to check something with you about your mission report," he told him, yanking him towards the alley entry.

"Old hag said I had the day off," Shikamaru muttered, annoyed.

"Dude, can't you see he's busy?" Kiba asked- it seems he had been observing the secret couple from the alley mouth.

"Busy with what?" asked the clueless Naruto.

"…never mind," Kiba sighed.

"I was watching that," muttered Kakashi, who -apparently- had been watching them from the _other_ alley mouth.

The younger shinobi all turned to him.

"What?" asked Temari.

"What?" was Kakashi's reply as he realised he had been heard.

"What?" asked Shikamaru.

"What?" repeated Kakashi.

"Did you just say you were watching us?" asked Temari.

"No, I didn't," Kakashi denied.

"Yes, you did," said Shikamaru.

"No, I didn't," Kakashi maintained.

"No, I heard you too," Kiba exclaimed.

"You guys really need to get your ears checked," Kakashi told them. "And now, I have to go. Bye." And with that he disappeared.

"Anyway, Tsunade-baachan said it shouldn't take more than an hour or so," Naruto said as he dragged a disgruntled Shikamaru away.

"An hour?" he yelped indignantly. He went limp with hopelessness. "You have _got _to be kidding me."

Temari crossed her arms and huffed angrily. "…fucking left me."

* * *

After an hour (or ten, as it felt) Shikamaru managed to escape from Tsunade… and Naruto, who wanted to score free ramen. Shikamaru went searching for Temari around the town.

He looked around the local shops and stalls until he eventually found her at a… he gulped, at a lingerie store. She was holding a pair of black… lacy… _things._ The problem was: he could only imagine them on her.

Damn woman.

He silently but hastily walked up behind her (after she had left the store – he sure as hell wasn't going in there.) "Those are nice," he whispered in her ear.

"Yeah, I thought so too," she replied as she turned around to face him. "I was thinking about wearing them at some point tonight…"

"Looking forward to-"

"Temari-san!" yelled a loud voice.

"You have got to be _fucking _joking."

"Oh my god, Temari, I haven't seen you for ages!" Ino squealed. "Hey, Shikamaru, where'd you disappear to earlier?"

"Tsunade's office," Shikamaru muttered.

"This is such a coincidence. Temari, there was this dress in this shop and we were just saying what a pity it was you weren't with us, because it's just so you!" Ino told her, completely ignoring Shikamaru's reply to her query.

There was a group of them. To Shikamaru it seemed as if it were all the kunoichi in Konoha. Ino, Tenten, Sakura… okay, so maybe Hinata was missing, but still. Hoard of evil girls wanting to take Temari away from him.

"Temari, you _have _to come see it. Hey, whaddaya have there?" Sakura asked, reaching for the bag Temari held.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.

"Ooh la la. D'ya have anyone _special _you brought these for?" Tenten asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively at Temari.

Temari shot a quick sideways glance at Shikamaru. "Uh... maybe."

Ino squealed in delight. "Oh, now you absolutely _have _to come with us! We'll get you completely kitted out. Shikamaru, you can take a break from being guide for a while, we'll take over."

Shikamaru looked understandably glum.

"Shikamaru? You look odd, normally you would be over the moon to get off work. Aren't you happy?"

"Yeah. Absolutely thrilled," he remarked dryly.

"Right…" Ino replied. She leaned towards Sakura. "He's acting really weird," she whispered.

"Yeah…" Sakura whispered in reply.

"Girls… maybe we should go?" Tenten leaned in between them.

"Oh yeah…" Ino and Sakura muttered.

"Come on Temari!" Ino chirped. "You have got to come with us!"

"No… I really shouldn't-."

"Ino's right, you must come and see!" Sakura added.

"I don't have any money, I couldn't-."

"Nonsense, the least we could do is buy it for you!" Tenten insisted.

"Exactly! Plus, if it's a love affair we just gotta help you, Temari-san!" Sakura squealed.

"Help. _Great," _Temari drawled.

"Great then, we're on the same page!" Ino grabbed Temari's wrist whilst Sakura grabbed her other wrist and then they dragged her away.

Shikamaru put his hands in his pockets and kicked a nearby stone as hard as he could (sending it flying into Naruto's ramen: 'Aagh! It's raining rocks!').

"Troublesome fucking women."

***

Shikamaru was almost falling asleep as he leant against the side of the Suna consulate building.

"Hey, you waited for me," Temari's voice jerked him awake, and he opened his eyes to her silhouette.

"Hello," he greeted.

"I finally fucking escaped from them! I mean, their intentions were well enough, but they have the worst timing ever!" Temari complained, flopping against the wall next to him.

"Well, we're alone now," Shikamaru told her.

"Yeah, at six o'clock in the afternoon. Whatever happened to spending the whole day together?" she smiled weakly.

Shikamaru laughed and leaned over to kiss her. She opened her lips to his without hesitation and they (finally) enjoyed their first kiss of the day.

But of course, they were not long uninterrupted.

"Oi, what are you two doing?" demanded Kankurou, sticking his head out the window next to him.

The lovers broke apart hastily. "Nothing," sputtered Temari.

"No, you two were just making o-"

"What are you doing here anyway?" Temari interrupted suddenly.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm hungry," Kankurou said, distracted.

"You're… hungry. How is that in any way relevant?" Temari asked.

"Gaara can't cook, he's really shit. And so am I. And Gaara scared away the pizza delivery guys. I need edible food, Temari, I need it!" Kankurou whined.

"You must have left only a day after me!"

"Just shows you how hungry I am, hey?"

"They're called restaurants, you moron!" Temari cried frustratedly.

"Oh. Right. Well, I'm here now, so can you please make me some food, Temari, I'm hungry," Kankurou demanded.

"Kankurou, I'm kinda not in the mood…"

"But, Temari, I'm your brother! You can't just abandon me to _starve!" _exclaimed Kankurou pitifully.

"_Fine._ Goddamnit, you useless pile of shit, I'll make your fucking food," Temari growled and turned to Shikamaru.

"Sorry about that, I'm gonna have to see you later. I don't know when. But I swear, I'm gonna fucking poison his food," Temari told Shikamaru, giving him a quick kiss before making her way around the corner to the consulate door.

"I'm coming!" she yelled in response to Kankurou's wail of: "Temari!"

Shikamaru just sighed, having given up on coming up with other comments of protest.

***

"Shikamaru… Shikamaru…" someone whispered. He felt himself being shaken. He suddenly felt himself on the border of the realm of consciousness and sleep.

"Hmm?" Shikamaru groaned. He really didn't want to wake up right now…. Wait… when did he fall asleep?

"Shikamaru? Wake up lazy," he heard someone whisper. It sounded like someone he knew…

Sounded like Temari…

Temari.

Right.

"Hmmn? Temari?" He opened his eyes to see Temari's face staring down at him.

"Yup. I knew I would find you here, you love to nap in the fields."

"Ugh, what time is it?" Shikamaru asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"It's just after 8 o'clock," she replied. Only then did Shikamaru realize that Temari was lying on him. "And I'm hungry… jeez, after cooking for Kankurou for 2 hours, I feel hungry myself."

"Then, how about we get some dinner, on me?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yeah, that sounds nice…"

***

"What? That one's full as well? What the fuck, has every single person in Konoha decided to go out to eat tonight?" Temari exploded. It was ten pm, and they had been searching for a place to eat for two hours.

"Yeah, six full restaurants in a row is pretty damn weird," Shikamaru agreed as they walked along the road. "And all the hotels are full too."

"This is actually pretty fucking surreal," Temari decided.

"And I just realised I have no place to stay tonight," Shikamaru stated.

"Whaddaya mean?" Temari asked.

"My place is being renovated, Kankurou's also staying at the consulate, it's my parent's anniversary so I _really _don't want to go to their place tonight, and all the hotels are full."

"Oh great, so now not only is there nowhere to have supper, there's no place to have sex either," Temari moaned.

Shikamaru froze, then groaned. "Aw man!"

"Wait, here's one we haven't checked," Temari noticed. "Go in and ask, please?"

Shikamaru entered the restaurant and came out again several minutes later shaking his head.

"You're fucking kidding me?" Temari exclaimed. "Oh that's it!" She sat down resolutely. "I'm not moving. This has been the worst day in the history of ever. It cannot get any worse."

Just to spite her, the heavens opened up and rain poured down.

"Oh fuck you!" she yelled and flopped onto her back in the middle of the street.

Shikamaru looked at her lying on the ground, pissed off, and lay down next to her. They lay there in silence for a few minutes, watching the sky.

"D'ya think there's a god?" Temari asked.

"Dunno. If there is, I would tell him that he sucks," Shikamaru replied dryly.

Temari chuckled. "Yup, me too."

And as they lay there in the rain, their hands found each other.

"Oh well. At least we have tomorrow."

-END-

**A/N: This is a collab story between Megami Ze and I, and we would greatly appreciate it if you could tell us what you thought! It was inspired by a line from 'Dexter', which was 'If there is a god, I would tell him he sucks' or something along those lines. And then it just evolved into this story which, because we kept getting distracted (by anime, CSI and Charlie calling us completely drunk (She was drunk when she phoned)) took us around about… oh, ****nine hours? A really long time. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it- once again, please review.**


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